Fear and it's ever controlling grip - and how to love through it all

Things have been changing for the last few months and I am VERY excited by it.

I don't think I've updated since the burn - and there's definitely reason for that.
Upon returning I questioned EVERYTHING about my life: My job, my passions, my creativity, my worth and my love for everything in my life. And how I even came in to having such an amazing life - let alone was I worth it all? Did I deserve it and could I keep it up long enough to be happy for forever? Was it even real?

My friends mentioned therapy and I found a highly recommended therapist. The week of the appointment was a week of working on my communication - if I couldn't communicate with the people in my life, how could I hope to communicate with a therapist? I started some serious self growth then and there and opened my heart and soul to those I hold dear. It was scary, but very worth it. Being my most authentic self was probably the biggest load off my shoulders I have ever experienced. And the best part? After revealing how I had really been feeling and how I had questioned everything and everyone in my life and why they were there and what I was supposed to learn from it - after holding all the questions inside for close to a month, the fear just melted away with kind and loving acceptance. The most genuine feelings of love and gratitude for sharing my fears and worries is what I was met with at the end of that dark and scary tunnel that I thought had no light.
So what was I afraid of?
The simple fact that I wasn't enough. That I wasn't doing enough - or being enough.
And adversely that I was too much. That how I felt was too much for one person to handle - too much for my friends to handle. That I had hidden a large portion of me and my feelings away for the fear that they were too big! That I felt too much for too many people - and therefore couldn't feel enough for just ONE person.
But I realize that this is not the case and I LOVE loving people. And not only am I worth being loved in return, but everyone is worth the love I have and it will never be depleted - especially if it is coming from a place of security.

Recounting Your Spiritual Path Can Be Scary

The house I live in is VERY unique.
With 9 (really, 10) total people living under one roof, it sounds like a whole mess of chaos. But in this somewhat chaotic life we ALL live, this house has provided balance and stability and support for us all in similar ways.
We are learning more about each other every days and working with each other to help one another grow in the ways we have all expressed interest in. One of these ways of helping to understand one another has been to discuss our spirituality in a group setting at our weekly meetings. As a house, we sit down and we listen to who ever is talking and ask questions from a position of wanting to understand and help each other.

This last week was my turn and I want to post here what I said in what I assume will be far more words than I actually spoke. My intention in sharing this with the internet is that I do not feel I should hide my beliefs, but do not fully understand who all would be interested in knowing where I came from and where I would like to go.
So, lets get started, shall we?

I came from a nuclear family of my Mother, my Father, and myself. My mothers parents were definitely around and involved in my life growing up; but my father's parents were less involved, had far more grand children and passed on when I was young.
From what I understand both my parents grew up with religion, but their involvement in it was minimal if at all. My dad had stronger beliefs than my mother - or possibly more strict, if strong isn't the appropriate word to use. As far as I know, neither parent felt the need to attend church after leaving their families to raise their own.
I never went to church with my parents. The few times I did attend (and I mean I can count the times on one hand) it was with other family members or when I stayed with a friend. My parents weren't shy about explaining "God" or morals or religions, but there was the definite feeling that I never had to subscribe to ANY belief system myself.
This lead me to inquire after other religions and spiritual beliefs through out my adolescence. I looked in to Wicca, Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity and so many others, I have lost track. High school was a definite starting point for me when it came to exploring these different aspects of spirituality as it exposed me to different cultures for class work. We discussed class and caste systems; we placed ourselves in another cultures shoes and we learned compassion for the struggles that the various religions have and have had in the past.
I remember my mother having a particular attachment to a psychic named Sylvia Browne, and the few things I picked up from her (thanks to day time TV and Montel Williams) I kept. There was a resounding idea that the way things happen, out of all of the possible outcomes, the way that it DID happen, is the way it was meant to happen. Aside from fate, from a destiny, from "someone else controlling" the situation; aside from having free will and choice - they way things HAVE HAPPENED is exactly and precisely how it HAD TO HAPPEN in order for things to progress - so there is no real point in wondering that what if's. This helped me get over some devastating heartbreaks and life events. To acknowledge that actions simply cannot be undone and that the only option is to move forward was the best thing for my brain (to simply shut off that never ending nagging feeling that there was SOMETHING I could have done to change the outcome).
 
I guess I just took a bit from every piece of the puzzle. I found some common themes and try to live my life by the general golden rule of "treat others the way you wish to be treated." The idea of Karma intrigues me, as I went very atheistic and agnostic for awhile, claiming that if it couldn't be proven then it was less than real. But karma, qi, chi, energy - these are things I can understand and believe in as far as "being proven." I mean, it was proven enough for the science community that everything is and has energy, so why not extrapolate that energy exchange does indeed come around to you by the end? The energy you put out comes back to you, or at the very least out in to the universe and effects many things. So, I became conscious of the energy I am putting out there and what kind of energy I would personally like to interact with.

And then. Then, I had what I would consider a spiritual experience. And yes, it took psychedelics to get me there, and I am ok with that. Without getting in to many details, I will say that I left my body in a moment of ecstasy and saw the universe and all of the energy around me. Everything was light; from little bits scattered among the darkness to what looked like galaxies forming and spinning and colliding. And there was movement and a sense of joining - all these pieces were moving towards a central point; a greater light. And then I opened my eyes. And I was no longer joined with my partner as a whole being of light. And I was in a dark room with no windows. But that feeling of being connected with everything remained, and I carry it with me to this day.
That experience has helped me form my beliefs today. That quite simply (and I wish I knew where these specific terms and ideas came from) the universe broke in to thousands and millions and billions of pieces so that it may experience itself and everything else with form and without. We are all the same light inside, though some pieces have diminished and some have grown stronger. Some pieces have joined while others fraction off to experience even more bits of the world and universe.
So I am I and you are you and we are all one in the same. From the smallest blade of grass, to the largest rock. From the darkest human, to the sweetest baby. From the lion to the antelope to the ant and the spider. We are all experiencing things as we are meant to - for we are all moving towards the greater light; to truly experience what it is like to be whole once again before splitting off a thousand times over.
I feel a spiritual connection with many and all. We were once the same energy, we will be there again. In some way, some form; we will combine forces and it will be glorious.
Until then, we have been given these bodies to host THIS experience, bad or good or however you want to paint it.
I look forward to finding that light source with everyone.
I am grateful for every opportunity to grow and get closer to the light.

Please, share with me your light and I will continue to share mine. <3

Fighting Against the Currant

The other day I had a friend approach me with the concern that I am not being genuine because I see everything with a silver lining.

This was a conversation that I needed to have because at the time, I was so hurt by the implication.
I immediately became angry; I felt attacked. How could someone I care about think that I am any less real because I work to be so happy all the time? Was it NOT what I was supposed to be doing? Did it, in fact. make me unbearable to others because of my positive outlook? Was I actually hurting others with this line of thought and behavior?

What a spiral that lead me down - and I looked at it full in the face, without fear.

This is something that lots of people struggle with - the thought that other people are just so happy that they cannot possibly experience the hard times that /I/ face. That we are alone in our sadness and rough times, and no one in our lives truly understand our hardships.
But lets look at the WHY's.
I have seen an article floating around on facebook (here is one, for example, but not the one I read) about friend envy, among other things.
First, I want to preface my reactions with the fact that I have grown up with the internet. I am a computer kid, and socializing online is where my teenage years took flight. That being said, online is NOT where you should seek genuine interactions, in my opinion. I have been there, I have searched for them, I have found some - but they are rare and my trust has been broken enough to know I can read people and their intentions much more clearly when in person. You generally have to take someone's word for who they are and how they feel - which is true in person too, but lying online is MUCH easier.
And this is where I diverge. I do not try to lie online, but I do understand that my interactions with people is VERY filtered. I understand that the energy I put out is absorbed by others, so why would I want it to bring someone down? I do not like seeing posts of anger or extreme sadness, therefore I do not post them. And I would thank you kindly for not judging me based on my decision to be a positive influence on others. I do not assume that every single person who is having a habitually bad time all over a public forum is REALLY always having a bad day - it is just how they use the internet, their facebook and how they are expressing themselves.
There was a conversation just today, going on on my newsfeed, about art and emotions. Some view that art is a way to process pain, and others use it to express the beauty they find in the world. Both of these things are applicable to your energy. Growing is the most important thing to do (again, in my opinion), and however you do that, is just fine for you (assuming you are not hurting others, but again, my opinion).

It is also important to understand that FACEbook is just that. It is a digital book for whatever face you choose to show. It is NOT real life. It is an aspect of life that you choose to share with others. How you choose to share it is up to you.

I have gotten off topic a bit - I am still processing the hurt I felt from this friend - even though our conversation ended well and I appreciate the opportunity I was given to look at my own actions and thoughts.
But while this conversation was happening, while I was questioning myself and feeling so angry, I was receiving messages from other friends thanking me for being so uplifting. Saying that it mattered and meant so much to them to see the wonderful things happening in my life and how I viewed the world. How I remained so positive despite whatever is going on.

And to that I say "thank you, all." Thank you to everyone who seeks genuine interactions. Than you for searching for people who are real and wanting more out of a relationship. And thank you for helping me grow as well. You have no idea how much I value differing opinions and compassion and love.
But please, please, please, understand that YOU are in control of your feelings. You should feel them, you should not "lock them down," but rather look at them with compassion. Understand that they are what they are but you have the POWER to change them. We are all gods. We can do this together.

More Self Reflections - A Better Idea of Self

This is a morning of crazy amounts of caffeine. I will try and reign myself in as much as possible, but I leave you with a warning: I MAY RAMBLE. I may get off topic, I may squirrel around and I MIGHT not be very linear. That being said, bare with me.

So, life has been interesting lately. A new chapter that I had been waiting to open plopped in my lap.
POLYAMOURY! Being in an OPEN relationship and what that means to MY brain, MY PARTNERS brain and how we've been opening our communication.

While this was something I sought in the beginning, having it brought to me from outside sources made me think my impatience was warranted. AND THEN I hurt my partner pretty bad when I didn't listen. So, I sat there. And I pushed. And I asked my partner to take in to consideration the feelings of excitement and flirting, and maybe taking it just a little further.
And it worked! But my reaction wasn't what I expected.
Suddenly I was filled with doubt. I doubted myself, my friends, my comfort levels - all the essential things. I thought I was self sabotaging again - Why would I push my partner to connect with someone else? Am I THAT afraid of commitment?
And that's when it hit me, at 3 o'clock in the morning, no less: I was trying to live my life to other people's standards AGAIN! I was weighing my own life choices against those of our society. I had internalized societal views of multiple partners and alternative lifestyles, and I had told myself that there MUST be something wrong with me. That it wasn't normal to care for more than one person; that I shouldn't be attracted to anyone beyond my partner and I most definitely shouldn't act on those feelings if there are any.

And again, I just want to say that this is NOT the case. There is nothing WRONG with me for loving people; I am a caring individual. I love sharing my gift of caring and appreciation for all things. This is something people tell me is one of my best qualities. This is a trait I should embrace and now that I have a bit more understanding from the ones I care about and what it means when I'm expressing myself, I am more than excited to feel good about myself again.

Remember! Never judge yourself by other people's standards! We are all amazing creatures and we should be treated as such. How you live your life should be your choice, especially when you aren't hurting any one else. Treat others the way you want to be treated - through and through.

With that, I bid you all a fond farewell for the day!
Stay positive, guys!

I am - loved -

I am
I am the "disgusting person" who overheard you talking about me on the
bus
sidewalk
on your way to work
on your way home.
I am the one who cried themselves to sleep over
your words
your thoughts
your judgement.
I am the quiet child that hides when voices are raised.
I am the person who "should be stronger" and not so easily influenced by others.
I am the person who struggles daily with an addiction while you walk around
drunk
high
careless.
I am the person who falls asleep in class due to nightmares from my past.
I am the one who chose food for my family over rent.


You never know what your assumptions do to another.
You never know what the person behind you is going through.
You cannot really know what else is happening to make someone do what they have done.

This world needs compassion, love and trust.

We may all be afraid of one another, but we are all the same.
Put us all in the same situations, we might just do what we fear.
Or perhaps we are stronger than we appear.
Perhaps there is a smile where others cry.
Perhaps there is sunshine behind the clouds.

Find your reason to laugh. Share it with others.

And when the rain pours, grab an umbrella and go dancing.

Small Secrets and Some Self Reflection

So, I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately and have gotten some amazing reviews from friends and family about the steps I've been taking to better myself to help those around me. For this, and all the support I've been given on this journey so far, I cannot thank you all enough. You guys are what keep me going and understanding what it's all worth. To make you all smile and think is all I could ever ask for.

One thing I've been working on is the over sexualization and objectification of others. While this may seem like a ridiculous thing for a female to go through, I want compassion to be the first thing you feel. Men and women have these same issues, and as we get to a time of understanding and redefining gender roles, it's important to view each other as people first and gender second, or even further back in the line if you can.

In reflecting upon my own actions and reactions, I noticed a trend to generally objectify men. I have close friends that are not sexual objects to me - but this could (and has, in the past) change at the drop of a hat. That hat being the interest displayed on me as a sexual being (that sounds nicer than object, right?). The MOMENT interest is shown to me in other than a friendly manner, I go a little - excuse the phrase - bat shit crazy. I was starved for attention of that type while I was coming in to my younger adult years, and fed myself all sorts of unhealthy behaviors and actions. This has carried over, much to my dismay, in to my adult years and has driven itself down to my core - so much so that I almost went back to a very dark place recently.
But here's the kicker - I am so thankful for my friends and family that noticed my actions and did nothing but support me through a trying time. I was approached with love and understanding, and that helped me realize another problem I had and was too afraid to deal with: I was objectifying myself at the same time.

I realize now that in objectifying others, I had essentially told myself it was ok to be objectified. That, to another, I should be seen as worth my weight in sex, and little else. Yes, I am bright; and Yes, I deserve to be happy - but what does this have to do with being wanted? And physically desired? If someone is interested in me, why not reciprocate? Why not show them what they are missing (and in so doing, show everyone who EVER turned me down)?

Needless to say, that last thought is really what was going down in my brain. I was so sure that I was a prize to have - and everyone needed to know what they were missing out on. Because that is what I should be.

I am still working on this issue.
I recently read Russell Brand's My Life Without Drugs, and found that I equate my own addiction to sexual attention with an addiction to drugs. It is something I fight every day, and some days are far easier than others. Instead of disappearing into a drug haze that could make the world seem so distant and irrelevant, I dove in to sex, lying and cheating. It was a dark place (for me) that made me feel powerful and like I had control over my own life.
Let me just state that all addictions are trouble - and nothing can make an addict stop, they must want to themselves. AND support from friends and family, and people who have been there are CRUCIAL to a recovery. An ongoing recovery. A fight that may never feel like it's over, but have a victory every day.

I am working to love everyone as a person first, before taking their gender into consideration (cuz it rarely made a difference to me in the first place). I am working to show my friends and family the small ways in which we all objectify each other, and little things to do to curb the urge. Compassion, sympathy and understanding are things we all could use.
Lets try it out. :)

New Year and a New Outlook

A new year and many new resolutions.

This is a year of growing; of seeing the improvements needed from the inside - and I intend to see the beautiful flower of my life blossom with every new day.

Over the last year I have worked hard and taken many steps in the directions that I want to go in. I have also taken some very big steps backwards to my own dismay - but the point is to not get bogged down by the mistakes we make.
Notice the areas that still need improvement and keep working towards those goals.

Once again, don't hold yourself to the standards of others.
Don't focus on what you can't do - those are the words that sink you. As soon as you say "you can't" then you have created a self fulfilling prophecy.

I have started reading a book called The Shadow Effect and it is helping me with the growing process.
As I have stated previously, I have an ongoing issue with the self deprecating thought process - and how my brain has trained itself to only think that way. This book is helping to acknowledge when that is being projected on to others so I can handle it easier - and where it really is stemming from.
The Shadow is not something to conquer - in trying to conquer and eradicate, you only help it keep it's hold on you. Acknowledge that negative feelings are a part of you, and you need to experience them in order to fully appreciate the brighter parts of you and your life.
And understand that judging others is only projection of your own insecurities and lack of self trust.

We are beautiful beings with AMAZING powers. There is light and dark to all of us, and we should embrace all parts without shame.

The more you ask about yourself and the more you are willing to grow, only shows how amazing you really are inside. Share that with the world, and never think your journey is over. You can never reach the end - there is always more to experience and learn from.
I can only hope that when you read these words you feel encouraged to grow and continue - and that it does not discourage you. I know this road can be rough, but we are all on our own paths and we can help smooth the way if you're having troubles!
Reach out - ask for help. There are people who will take your hand and help bear the load.
Understand you are not alone.
We love you all.
I love you.
Love all.
Share.
Grow.