Small Secrets and Some Self Reflection

So, I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately and have gotten some amazing reviews from friends and family about the steps I've been taking to better myself to help those around me. For this, and all the support I've been given on this journey so far, I cannot thank you all enough. You guys are what keep me going and understanding what it's all worth. To make you all smile and think is all I could ever ask for.

One thing I've been working on is the over sexualization and objectification of others. While this may seem like a ridiculous thing for a female to go through, I want compassion to be the first thing you feel. Men and women have these same issues, and as we get to a time of understanding and redefining gender roles, it's important to view each other as people first and gender second, or even further back in the line if you can.

In reflecting upon my own actions and reactions, I noticed a trend to generally objectify men. I have close friends that are not sexual objects to me - but this could (and has, in the past) change at the drop of a hat. That hat being the interest displayed on me as a sexual being (that sounds nicer than object, right?). The MOMENT interest is shown to me in other than a friendly manner, I go a little - excuse the phrase - bat shit crazy. I was starved for attention of that type while I was coming in to my younger adult years, and fed myself all sorts of unhealthy behaviors and actions. This has carried over, much to my dismay, in to my adult years and has driven itself down to my core - so much so that I almost went back to a very dark place recently.
But here's the kicker - I am so thankful for my friends and family that noticed my actions and did nothing but support me through a trying time. I was approached with love and understanding, and that helped me realize another problem I had and was too afraid to deal with: I was objectifying myself at the same time.

I realize now that in objectifying others, I had essentially told myself it was ok to be objectified. That, to another, I should be seen as worth my weight in sex, and little else. Yes, I am bright; and Yes, I deserve to be happy - but what does this have to do with being wanted? And physically desired? If someone is interested in me, why not reciprocate? Why not show them what they are missing (and in so doing, show everyone who EVER turned me down)?

Needless to say, that last thought is really what was going down in my brain. I was so sure that I was a prize to have - and everyone needed to know what they were missing out on. Because that is what I should be.

I am still working on this issue.
I recently read Russell Brand's My Life Without Drugs, and found that I equate my own addiction to sexual attention with an addiction to drugs. It is something I fight every day, and some days are far easier than others. Instead of disappearing into a drug haze that could make the world seem so distant and irrelevant, I dove in to sex, lying and cheating. It was a dark place (for me) that made me feel powerful and like I had control over my own life.
Let me just state that all addictions are trouble - and nothing can make an addict stop, they must want to themselves. AND support from friends and family, and people who have been there are CRUCIAL to a recovery. An ongoing recovery. A fight that may never feel like it's over, but have a victory every day.

I am working to love everyone as a person first, before taking their gender into consideration (cuz it rarely made a difference to me in the first place). I am working to show my friends and family the small ways in which we all objectify each other, and little things to do to curb the urge. Compassion, sympathy and understanding are things we all could use.
Lets try it out. :)