Coming to terms with EXPECTATIONS

It's been about a month since I last updated, and it was WAY longer than that with the post prior to that.
I apologize, and thanks for sticking it out with me :D.

I want to focus a bit on EXPECTATIONS.
Most who read this (the very few that ARE reading it) know I am in a very loving relationship and I am about to get married. To an AMAZING person. Because there are certain expectations of a newly married couple, I had to touch base with my partner on what it will mean for us - in context to our honeymoon at BURNING MAN!!!!!!

The reason I am getting married to this particular person? We have very open lines of communication. I do not worry about asking a clarifying question, or offending with my question. We both understand that if it is a concern, we should be able to talk about it openly, without being offended at the other person. We never mean to offend or hurt one another, which is why our conversations always end with a hug.
^ Tangent.


Alright, so, my concern with expectations of what it means to be a newly wed in the context of a very open and sex positive festival/gathering might be what anyone else in a relationship might be concerned with: Where are the lines? What are the lines? What is "allowed?"
We already have a very open relationship. This does not mean we are "swingers" or that we date other people. We are not on the market, or look out for new sexual partners. That being said, that door is not always closed and the subject is not taboo.
The one thing neither of us are in to is the idea of ownership of another person. Some people find that marriage is just a way to show you have some sort of ownership or right over that person, and with us this is just not the case. We are a joining of forces; the legal partnership acknowledged by society. I accept my partner the way they are, they way they were and the way they will be. I have seen that there is no malice, no greed and no jealousy. I know there are no ulterior motives, and we are never trying to "get one up" on the other.
We are already the type of people that like to (borderline need to) be in physical contact with other people. We enjoy snuggling and hugging, and general piles of adorable cuddling.

Let me step back for a minute and let you in on a little secret: This used to be a scary concept to me. To be in such close proximity to others. It was very uncomfortable, especially when in a relationship. And even worse when it was a new one and I hadn't figured out the boundaries, and honestly, I was too scared to even ask about boundaries.
This lead to many misunderstandings and hurt feelings - i.e. cheating. Or, what I was always told was cheating. Having friends of the opposite gender while in a relationship was a tricky thing. When was it ok to hang out with them alone? The answer I usually received was "never." Never be alone with another person, never share your feelings, never hug, and never ever snuggle. These ideas were far too overwhelming to my brain parts. I DID end up cheating because there were too many rules and it felt too good to do what I want.
But why cheat? I mean REALLY, why did I feel the need to take it so far as to cheat?
This is where I wanted to touch on the most. These EXPECTATIONS of what I was there for. I thought it was expected of me to go through with it. The whole way. I'm not saying I was uncomfortable doing anything. I was not coerced in to anything I did not ultimately want myself. But I thought I was supposed to offer some sort of relief, especially to those in bad situations. Or tough ones, or awkward ones. Myself included. I coped with this by over sexualizing a LOT of things and interactions, which lead to a few hard times with some very close friends.

So, why am I ok with cuddling and snuggling now? When I am about to get married? I needed to learn what I expect from myself. My own personal expectations.
I do not need sex to validate myself.
I am not just a sexual being.
We need physical contact as human beings. You don't have to make it sexual, and if you always do, you are hiding your insecurities; or trying to, anyways. And trust me, it's apparent to many people when you are. Pick the ones that call you out on it. They are keepers who want to see you be YOU and not what you think they want.
I have found friends that like to hug and snuggle. They have never made me feel like I must deliver on some unspoken promise (though it crosses my mind once in awhile - old habits die hard).
I am more confident now, knowing that I have the power. More confident than I ever have been before. I trust myself and my partner. I know that I can say "no" or "stop" at any point and that SHOULD be respected. If someone doesn't respect it, and tries to pressure me or put an unwanted expectation on me, I CAN turn it around, and will.
I have the power over my own body and feelings. These are not the play things of others.

So, what will I do with this new found confidence? I will snuggle the shit out of those who need it. I offer my love and gratitude to those who are willing to do the same. We all need hugs, guys. We all need love and respect. And we must all have these things inside of us before we can give them to others. <3 <3 <3