Life Lessons Reflections - tough times indeed

So, one thing that caught my attention on the bus while on my way in to work today:
What if the life lessons I thought I was to be learning were just flat out wrong for me?
It's interesting to compare different stages and places in your life, and I don't often like to notice my own behavioral patterns, especially when on a particularly vicious downward swing of temperament.
But I have noticed that when it comes to school, I think I study the right way and I think I have the subjects down, only to be shown, come test day, that I prepared myself in the wrong ways. Yes, I studied very hard, but if you don't study the right material, then as far as the test is concerned, you failed.
So what if all those lessons I am learning were just...not what they were supposed to be? What if the lessons I learned were backwards?
What if the life experiences I am having - what if I am interpreting them wrong?
Take Maui for instance. What if I was really supposed to learn how to make it on my own? Make it as a unit, but learn how to provide for myself in a time of need. But instead I learned that other people will let you ride along as long as they can, and have room in their hearts. And when things don't work out for you, is it that home is calling to you, that you are meant to be elsewhere? Or is it that you just didn't do what life had set out for you?
What if I was taking advantage of all the wrong spots? Places? People and skills?
Did I really find myself? Or just another way to cling to another persons dreams?

Sometimes these thoughts occur to me in the most mundane of places. Walking on a path I've always taken. Sitting on a new bus going to a place I have never been. Looking in to a dear friends eyes and wondering...was this really meant to happen?
For as sure as I try to be, I have no real answers. I have very little faith in what I'm doing, and that's been an alright way to live so far. I have faith that life will take me where I need to go, but I wonder if I have gone the right way, or if I missed the signals on the way. Only when it hurts do I ask these questions, and life just seems to keep working at that low, dull pain. The kind that your body learns to deal with until you finally break.

I'm working on self forgiveness. I'm working on that whole faith thing.
If life isn't supposed to go this way, then why do I feel so compelled to continue? Why do I feel so positively about the people I am around and the things I get to do?
It's been rough, and I only see a tough, flooded road ahead, when I forgot my rain boots, umbrella and warm clothes behind.
I know I can make it through, but I just want to take a breather sometimes.

The people in my life keep me going, and if nothing else, I am thankful to have them all. They are what make the hard times worth living through. <3